A Healthy Relationship

Other than parenting a child, relating intimately with another person is the hardest emotional task one has to face. The difficult aspect of a relationship is that it demands the examination of the places within yourself that are wounded. This is important because you are likely to project this to your current partner.
To be intimate means to share pains and accept the risk of being hurt. To be intimate means to be vulnerable yet to be able to cope. You must be able to take the bumps and falls that the come with opening yourself to trust. These slips do not refer to physical or psychological abuse, but two people trying to fill each others needs and being hurt in the process.

Intimate relationship lead to the fear of abandonment, but not all. Such fear triggers various reactions, from withdrawal to rage . When rage persist, it is wise to leave the relationship rather than suffer the brunt of insecurities day in or day out.
A wife fearful that her husband would leave her, made him suffer through constant nagging and sometimes, fasting for days. She usually earned her husband’s attention after such a fast. For the sake of the children whom he loves dearly, he put up with it.But now, he is simply fed up and wants a way out of such tortures. All he is asking for is that his wife be not so selfish. It is said that the tighter your grip on the sand in your palm, the lesser you can contain, if you don’t lose it all.

The problem is that each one is demanding to be loved and protected. Discussions can turn into battles about whose needs are being met. Each one is like a child who look to the person across the room to fill his or her needs, but there is no adult on either side to reply. Both have simply collapsed into their childhood fears.

When these situations arise, you can try to work it out in two ways. One is to respond to and confront the immediate cause. Another is to give your partner an idea of the source - sometimes deeply buried—of your reaction. To do this, though, you must first understand your own patterns  of fear.

Here’s an exercise you can do to examine your core issues and develop the tools necessary to create a more healthy relationship.
Never use these issues against each other. Information shared for each other must be accepted with the understanding and trust that each is a friend who wants to help the other. This exercise calls for self-introspection.
Make a list of your most intimate relationship, not necessarily sexual. Are you still involved with them? If not, how did the relation end? How did you feel about its ending? Are these patterns of similarities of the ending of your relationship? If so, how do these patterns fit-into your experience of childhood?
If your are currently in a committed relationship, what are the issues that the two of you disagree about most? What are their themes? What is position on these issues and what is your partner’s position?
Now close your eyes and see which part within you responds to the situation. Who gets hurt or angry or afraid? Make commitments to yourself on how you would protect yourself from similar situations. Now write down your understanding of your partner’s issue. Ask him how he reacts to this issue. Is your partner interested in hearing your perceptions?
Remember, these are your perceptions, not your judgments! You can try to share what you have learned about yourself as well.
Thanks to Marilitz “thoughts”.